Yo Johnnyblazed, You Sure Look Funny, Now Tell Me a Joke!

Here are a few jokes I've learned along the way of life. At JOHNNYBLAZEDcom we like to do stuff right, The First column gives the jokes name, the second is a Funny Meter (RATING THE JOKES AS 1 (deathly serious) to 100 (now that's funny), the Third is a Mature-ness Rating (just like the box office G to PG-13), the Fourth column represents how long it is (1 being short, 10 being long) and the Fifth column, the Other column gives you other info (for example if the joke is seasonal it will have an (S) in this column followed by it's season.

JOKE	FUNNINESS (1-100funny)	RATING (G-XXX)	LENGTH (1-10 long)	OTHER
1) THE CHINESE DETECTIVE	76	PG-13	3	-
2) THE SNAIL	82	PG	2	-
3) BLONDE JOKE - THE DIET	56	PG	3	-
4) BLONDE JOKE - CAR FOR SALE	83	PG	4	-
5) BLONDE JOKE - THE RIVER	81	PG	1	-
6) BLONDE JOKE - THE FLIGHT	72	PG	4	-
7) NEWLYWEDS JOIN CHURCH	87	PG-13	5	-
8) GREAT THINKERS OF OUR TIME!?	57	PG	9	-
9) THE OLD LADIES LETTER	67	PG-13	3	-
10) THREE IRISH CANDIDATES FOR PRIESTHOOD	74	PG	4	-
11) JACK SCHITT	52	PG-13	5	-
12) A QUICK TEST OF INTELLIGENCE	Intelligence test	PG	4	A Test
13) A MAID MISTAKE	68	PG-13	4	-
14) A ROYAL RABBI MISTAKE	71	PG	3	-
15) ANOTHER SMALL TEST	75	PG	3	A Test
16) BEER CONTAINS FEMALE HORMONES!!!	68	PG	1	-
17) THE NEEDS OF A HUSBAND AND WIFE	56	PG	5	-
18) CHOKING IN THE COUNTRY	82	PG	3	-
19) THREE WISHES IN THE WOODS	87	PG-13	5	-
20) FIRST TIME IN THE STRIP CLUB	74	PG-13	3	-
21) PERFECT DAY	72	PG-13	4	-
22) TWO HOOKERS	71	PG-13	1	-
23) HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN	75	PG-13	3	-
24) HILLARY CLINTON	72	PG	3	-
25) BEER TOUBLESHOOTING	66	PG-13	7	-
26) GOT A LETTER FROM GRANDMA	64	PG	7	-
27) EMBEZZELMENT	84	PG	5	-
28) JERRY FALWELL	71	PG	4	-
29) AN ASIAN MAN	60	PG	3	-
30) A FROG	71	PG	5	-
31) A NUN AND A CABBY	77	PG-13	5	Halloween
32) THE THERMODYNAMICS OF HELL	54	PG	8	-
33) A MAN AND HIS BLONDE NEIGHBOR	69	PG	3	-
34) SHIT, THE MOST POWERFUL WORD	63	PG	6	-
35) MY FIRST TIME	87	PG-13	2	-
36) ED ZACHARY DISEASE	73	PG	4	-
37) YO MAMA IS SOO FAT...	85	PG	1	-
38) ANOTHER STORM	45	PG-13	9	-
39) THE SEVEN DWARFS	72	PG-13	4	-
40) Q and A's	74	PG-13	1	-
41) MALE SEX TEST	63	PG-13	5	-
42) YOU KNOW YOU ARE TRAILER TRASH WHEN:	67	PG-13	1	-
43) Amish and the Elevator	65	PG	5	-
44) Why I'm so tired!	70	PG	4	-
45) The Perfeft Couple	60	PG	5	-
46) Top Ten Things that Sound Dirty in Golf but Aren't	62	PG-13	3	-
47) Top Ten Things that Sound Dirty in Law but Aren't	63	PG-13	3	-
48) Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren't	64	PG-13	3	-
49) An Indian on a Horse	70	PG-13	4	-
50) "The Idiot Test"	Tricky Test	PG-13	5	A Test
51) A Woman's Opinion	42	PG	1	Christmas
52) Universal Grade Change Form	37	PG	7	-
53) Are Cowboys Lesbians?	63	PG-13	3	-
54) Prison versus Work	68	PG	5	-
55) Sexual Harassment	77	PG-13	2	-
56) "Confucius Says"	74	PG	5	-
57) The answer to: "Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?"	69	PG	6	-
58) Statue's Wishes are Granted	68	PG	5	-
59) Son of a ...	71	PG-13	3	-
60) The President and his Pigs	74	PG	3	-
61) The Custume Party	72	PG-13	6	-
62) Nuns at the Gate	69	PG-13	5	-
63) Ingrediants in Viagra	60	PG-13	1	-
64) The Bull and the Pheasant	68	PG	3	-
65) A Rooster....named Randy	57	PG-13	7	-
66) A tired Navy Man	54	PG-13	4	-
67) Jesus tries to make a Point	39	PG	2	-
68) A Husband and Wife asleep in Bed	76	PG-13	2	-
69) Men, Always Thinking	65	PG	3	-
70) The Young Woman at the Confessional	67	PG-13	3	-
71) Two Old Men Get Some	48	PG	3	-
72) One Wild Old Man	70	PG	2	-
73) The Missionary's Horse	60	PG	4	-
74) Out Hunting	62	PG	2	-
75) One Sick Man	67	PG	3	-
76) The Blondes Breast Stroke	71	PG	2	-
77) A Yuppie and his Beemer	74	PG	3	-
78) If Men and Women Swaped Genitals	55	PG-13	6	-
79) An Organization of Monkeys	81	PG	1	-
80) Chinese Ebonics	83	PG	1	-
81) The Check Up	80	PG	3	-
82) Bar Slogans	76	PG-13	8	-
83) Things you'll NEVER hear a woman say-	32	PG-23	7	-
84) A Midget buys a Horth	59	PG-18	5	-
85) Tour of Spain	66	PG	5	-
86) 5 reasons not to be a penis . . .	69	PG-18	2	-
87) Something To Offend Damn Near Everyone	65	PG	3	-
88) You know you are from Rochester when:	54	PG	9	Rochesterian
89) One Big Funeral	65	PG	5	-
90) Always read the writing on the wall	51	PG	8	-
91) Condom Slogans	53	PG-13	7	-
92) Rooster Race	68	PG	4	-
93) Sunday Service	66	PG	3	-
94) A Doctor, Minister, and a Lawyer	89	PG	3	-
95) Winter Fishing	60	PG	6	a true story
96) A Son learns about Condoms	61	PG-13	3	-
97) The Paradox of our Time	43	PG	6	-
98) His and Her Stories	39	PG-13	4	-
99) Honey I won the Lottery	67	PG-13	2	-
100) Cinderella goes to he Ball	62	PG-13	3	-

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So he hired a famous Chinese detective, Mee Lookee Yu, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later, he received this report:

-You leave house. -He come house. -I watch. -He and she leave house. -I follow. -He and she get on train. -I follow. -He and she go in hotel. -I climb tree -look in window. -He kiss she. -She kiss he. -He strip she. -She strip he. -He play with she. -She play with he. -I play with me. -Fall out of tree, -not see.

A guy hears a knocking on his door. He opens it and no one is there. He looks all around and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat. He picks it up and throws it across the street into a field. Thirty-five years later, he hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up and no one is there. He looks all around, and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat. The snail says, "What the hell was that all about?"

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds." When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day. "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor "No, from skipping." Replied the blonde

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal." "That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car." "Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be problem to sell your car anymore." The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?" "No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 mile on "it."

So there's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side? "The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You are on the other side."

On a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving." Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the copilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving." The copilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so? Surprised, the flight attendant and the copilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York"

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor. "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly. "What Happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "We know," said the young man, "we're not welcome at Home Depot anymore either."

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean, I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff." -- Mariah Carey

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"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are." -- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, 8-22-00

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-- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."

-- Brooke Shields, during interview to be spokesperson for anti-smoking campaign

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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington,D.C.

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"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."

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"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese." -- Former French President Charles De Gaulle

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"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."

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"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."

-- Former U.S. Vice-president Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the LA Riots

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"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -- John Wayne

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"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

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"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind." -- General William Westmoreland

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"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."

-- Former US Vice-president Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line "a mind is a terrible thing to waste"

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"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet."

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"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Former US Vice-president Dan Quayle

The following letter was forwarded by someone who teaches at a junior high school in Memphis, Tennessee; the letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. This story is a credit to all of human kind. Read it, soak it in, and bask in the warm feeling that it leaves you with.

Dear Reyer School: God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the county home for the aged. All my people are gone. It's nice to know that someone thinks of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never let me listen to it. The other day her radio fell and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said fuck you.

Three young Irish candidates for the priesthood are told by the Monsignor they have to pass one more test: The Celibacy Test. The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them to undress, and a small bell is tied to each man's willy. In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. She begins to dance sensually around the first candidate *Ting-a-ling* "Oh, Patrick," says the Monsignor, "I am so disappointed in your lack of control. Run along now and take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal weakness." The candidate leaves. The dancer continues, dancing around the second candidate, slowly peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil drops: *Ting-a-ling* "Joseph, Joseph," sighs the Monsignor. "You too are unable to withstand your carnal desires. Off you go... take a long, cold shower and pray for forgiveness. "The dancer continues, dancing naked in front of the final candidate. Nothing. She writhes up and down against his body. No response. Finally, exhausted, she quits. "Sergio, my son, I am truly proud of you," says the Monsignor. "Only you have the true strength of character needed to become a priest. Now, go and join your weaker brothers in the showers." * Ting-a-ling*

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "you don't know Jack Schitt". Now, you can handle the situation. ........Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-Deep Schitt, Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and consequently married the Happens brothers in a double ring ceremony. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new bride, Pisa Schitt. Now, when someone says you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them.

Don't cheat! If you did the test would be no fun. I promise, there are no tricks to the test. Read this sentence.

Now count the F's in that sentence. Count them ONLY ONCE: Do not go back and count them again.------- See below-----

ANSWER: There are six F's in the sentence. A person of average intelligence finds three of them. If you spotted four, you're above average. If you got five, you can turn your nose at most anybody. If you caught six, you are a genius. There is no catch. Many people forget the "OF's". The human brain tends to see them as V's and not F's. Pretty weird, Huh?

A guy calls home from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?" "This is the maid," answered the woman. "We don't have a maid!" "I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house." "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?" "Ummm... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone whom I just figured was her husband." Now he guy is angry. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" "What do I have to do?" "I want you to get my gun from the desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with." The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots. The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?" "Throw them in the swimming pool!" "What pool?"

Old Sol was in the hospital, near death. Sol had always been a religious man, so his family called their rabbi to stand with them. As the rabbi stood next to the bed, Sol's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The rabbi lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Sol used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The rabbi thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At the funeral, as he was finishing the service, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Sol died. He reached into the pocket and pulled out Sol's note. He said, "You know, Sol handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it yet, but knowing Sol, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all." He opened the note, and read, "Rabbi, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

Answer the questions one at a time and as quickly as you can! Again, as quickly as you can but don't advance until you've done each of them... really.

Now repeat saying the number 6 to yourself as fast as you can for 15 seconds. Then scroll down.

If not, you're among the 2% of the population whose minds are warped enough to think of something else. 98% of people (including me) will answer with carrot when given this exercise.

Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer a day for 2 weeks and observed that

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband says "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife. We'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the Jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it." The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register." The husband says," no - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for awhile." Her face gets really red and she is about to explode and then the Husband says, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!!

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town out in the country. She orders the chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast she starts to choke on a chicken bone. Well these two country boys in the next booth notice she is choking so they get up and go over to help her. The first country boy drops his coveralls and bends over and the second country boy starts licking his butt. The women watches these two go at it and is grossed out. She pukes all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. The country boy pulls his overalls back up and says to the other, "You're right Leroy, that hind-lick maneuver works like a charm"

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, ''You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?' The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. ''One day,'' he begins, ''I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream.'' ''No shit?'' says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued. ''Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.''' ''Keep going!'' I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said, ''You now have three wishes.'' I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, ''I want a body like Arnold Schwarzeneger.'' She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked, ''What will be your second wish?'' ''What next?'' begged the bartender. I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, ''I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.'' She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours! Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, ''You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be? "I looked at her and replied, "How bout a little Head?''

Once there was a little boy who was curious about what a strip club was like so one day he decided to sneak into one. Once he was in, he watched as the strippers danced. He watched until they started taking of their clothing. That's when he bolted out the door and started running down the street and into a man. The man asks the boy, "What's wrong young man? You look like you just saw a ghost!". The little boy replies, "My mommy and daddy told me that if I ever watched anybody undress, I'd turn to stone...and all of a sudden I felt something hard!".

8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh 5 lbs. lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants
9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, and comb out
12:00 Lunch with best friend at an outdoor cafe
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriend's wife, she has gained 30 lbs
1:00 Shopping with friends
3:00 Nap
4:00 A dozen roses delivered by florist from a secret admirer
4:15 Light workout at club followed by a gentle massage
5:30 Pick outfit for dinner. Primp before mirror
7:00 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing
9:30 Hot shower. Alone.
10:00 Make love
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms

6:00 Alarm
6:15 Blowjob
6:30 Massive dump while reading the sports section
7:00 Breakfast. Filet Mignon, eggs, toast and coffee
7:30 Drive mint '63 Corvette 30 miles to airport
7:45 Bloody Mary en route to airport
8:15 Private jet to Augusta, Georgia
9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club
9:45 Play front nine, finish 2 under par
11:45 Lunch. 2 dozen oysters on the half shell. 3 Heinekens
12:15 Blowjob
12:30 Play back nine at Augusta, finish 4 under par
2:15 Limo back to airport. Drink 2 Bombay martinis
2:30 Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas. Nap
3:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with topless female crew
4:30 Catch world record light tackle marlin - 1249 lbs
5:00 Jet back home. En route, get massage from naked Kathy Ireland
7:00 Watch CNN Newsflash. Clinton resigns
7:30 Dinner. Lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon, 20 0z. New York Strip
9:00 Relax after dinner with 1789 Augler Cognac and Cuban cigar
10:00 Have sex with two 18 year old nymphomaniacs
11:00 Massage and jacuzzi
11:45 Go to bed
11:50 Let loose a 12 second, 4 octave fart. Watch the dog leave the room.
11:55 Laugh yourself to sleep

Two hookers were on a street corner. They started discussing business, and one of the hookers said, "Gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air." The other hooker looked at her and said, "No, I just burped."

How to impress a woman:
Compliment her,cuddle her,kiss her,caress her,love her,stroke her,tease her,comfort her,protect her,hug her,hold her,spend money on her, wine and dine her,buy things for her,listen to her,care for her,stand by her,support her,buy flowers for her,go to the ends of the earth for her...

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How to impress a man:

Hillary Clinton died and went to Heaven. St. Peter was giving her a tour of Heaven when she noticed that there were dozens of clocks on the wall. Each clock displayed a different time of day. When she asked St. Peter about the clocks, he replied, "We have a clock for each person on earth and every time they tell a lie the hands move. The clock ticks off one second each time a lie is told." Special attention was given to two clocks. The clock belonging to Mother Teresa has never moved, indicating that she never told a lie. The clock for Abraham Lincoln had only moved twice. He only told two lies in his life. Hillary asked "Where is Bills' clock"? St. Peter replied, "Jesus has it in His office...He's using it as a ceiling fan".

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm this with bartender.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Roll down window or find a barf bag.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes... The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is ... and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing...why, even he was enjoying this religious experience! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks! Grandma

A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer. The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you." The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damm money is!" The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is. The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about." The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my damn money is!" The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!" The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!" The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?" The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says...go to hell... and ...that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The President asked for a whisky & soda, which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink. Falwell replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!" The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice..."

An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York with 2000 yen and walked out with $72. The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen,and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money than he had received the previous week. The teller responded,"fluctuations." The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, he turned around and said, "Fluc you Amelicans too!"

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager. Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says: "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?" (Are you ready???) (Don't be mad if you didn't see it coming....) The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you. She answers, My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance and see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive. Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me. She responds, Well, let's see what we can do about that: 1) you have to be single and 2) you must be Catholic.The cab driver is very excited and says, Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too! The nun says, O.K., pull into the next alley. He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying his eyes out. My dear child, why are you crying? Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish. The nun says, That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween Party.

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well. Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you.", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze. The student received the only "A" given.

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when this attractive blond female neighbor came out of her house and went straight to the mail box. She opened it - then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is!" My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"

Just think of all the concepts and ideas you can communicate with it. Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language. CONSIDER THIS: You can be shit faced, be shit out of luck, or have shit for brains. With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot. You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit and tell others to eat shit and die. You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit your life away. People can be shit headed, shit brained, shit blinded, and shit over. Some people know their shit while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola. There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits. There is bullshit, horse shit and chicken shit. You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan. You can take a shit, give a shit, or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit. Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty. Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit. You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit. You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle. Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose. Shit! When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic buildingblock of creation. And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!

I remember my fear, My fast beating heart. But slowly she spread Her legs apart!!!

And when she did it, I felt no shame. All at once, The white stuff came! At last it's finished. It's all over now. My first time..... Milking a cow!

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might havesomething wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see the well-known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang, so she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did. Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates." Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, whats Ed Zachary Disease?" Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass.

Yo mama's so fat, She uses a VCR for a beeper.
Yo mama's so fat, When she hauls ass she has to make two trips.
Yo mama's so fat, When she dances she makes the band skip.
Yo mama's so fat, When she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease the doctor gave her 13 years to live.
Yo mama's so fat, She puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
Yo mama's so fat, Her ass has its own congressman.
Yo mama's so fat, When she goes to the zoo the elephants throw her peanuts.
Yo mama's so fat, Her high school graduation picture was an aerial photograph.
Yo mama's so fat, Her driver's license says "Picture continued on other side."
Yo mama's so fat, The back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs.
Yo mama's so fat, "Place Your Ad Here" is printed on each of her butt cheeks.
Yo mama's so fat, all the restaurants in town have signs that say: "Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Yo Mama"
Yo mama's so fat, when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.
Yo mama's so fat, when she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down.
Yo mama's so fat, she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.
Yo mama's so fat, when I yell "Kool-Aid," she comes crashing through the wall.
Yo mama's so fat, she could sell shade.
Yo mama's so fat, when she crosses the street, cars look out for her.
Yo mama's so fat, she gets runs in her jeans.
Yo mama's so fat, her blood type is Ragu.
Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.
Yo mama's so fat, if she got her shoes shined, she'd have to take his word for it!
Yo mama's so fat, she has to put her belt on with a boomerang.
Yo mama's so fat, when she turns around, people throw her a welcome back party.
Yo mama's so fat, she can't even jump to a conclusion.
Yo mama's so fat, she went to the movies and sat next to everyone.
Yo mama's so fat, her belly button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters.
Yo mama's so fat, her nickname is DAMN!

As we get ready for another storm, it's nice to reflecton how much worse it could be. Dear Diary, January 7 Decided to take that job offer in Chicago after living in Los Angeles all my life. Can't wait to experience the change in seasons. February 1 Moved into our new home in suburban Chicago today. It started snowing this evening. It was the first snow I had ever seen. The wife and I took our hot buttered rum and sat by the picture window to watch the soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was absolutely beautiful! February 2 We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight. Every tree and shrubs were covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time and loved it. I did both our sidewalk and the driveway. Later a city snow plow came along and accidentally covered up the end of our driveway. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shoveled it again. February 5 It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped to around 11 degrees. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled out our driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snow plow came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now brownish gray. February 12 It warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tires for both cars. Fell on my ass in the driveway. More snow expected for tonight and tomorrow. February 13 SOOOO cold! Sold the wife's car and bought a 4 x 4 in order to get her to work. Slid into a guardrail and did> considerable> damage to the frame. Had another 10 inches of the white shit today. Both vehicles covered with salt and crud. More shovelin in store for me tonight. That goddamn snow plow came by twice today. February 15 Below zero outside. More fucking snow. Not a tree or shrub on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a kerosene heater, which tipped over and nearly burned the house down. I managed to put the flames out, but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands and lost all my eyelashes and eyebrows. My car slid on the ice enroute to the emergency room. Totaled. February 20 Goddam, mother-fuckin' white shit keeps coming down. Have to put on all the clothes we own just to get to the fuckin mailbox, but the mailman doesn't deliver. If I ever catch the son-of-bitch that drives the snow plow I'll chew through his chest and rip his fuckin' heart out. I think he hides around the corner and waits> for me to finish shoveling and then comes down the street about 100 miles per hour and buries the driveway again! Power is still off but Illinois Electric is asking us to conserve energy to avoid power = outages. Toilet froze and parts of the roof have caved in. February 22 Six goddamn more fuckin inches of fuckin snow and fuckin sleet and fuckin ice and god know what other kind of white fuckin shit fell last night. I wounded the snow plow asshole with an ice axe, but he got away. Wife left me. Car won't start. I think I'm going snow blind. I can't move my toes. Haven't seen the sun in weeks. More now predicted. Wind chill -35 fuckin degrees. I'm writing off the house as an insurance loss and moving my fuckin ass back to California before I die in this mother-fuckin' white shit.

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican and because they are - The Seven Dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope and Dopey leads the pack. "Dopey my son," says the Pope, what can I do for you?" Dopey asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?" The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome." In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?" The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe." This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Dopey turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?" "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world." The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting ......... "Dopey screwed a penguin! Dopey screwed a penguin

Q: What does Popeye do to keep his favorite tool from rusting?
A: Sticks it in Olive Oil.
Q: What is the new O.J. web site address?
A: slash.slash.backslash.escape.con
Q: What does a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.
Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A: What are YOU shaking for? She's going to eat me!
Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is using a feather ... kinky is using the whole chicken
Q: What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"?
A: About three inches.
Q: What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
A: Well hung
Q: What is the difference between a hormone and an enzyme?
A: You can't hear an enzyme.
Q: What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A: Mega-sor-ass
Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with the other is used to carry groceries.
Q. If there were 4 potatoes in a room, which one would be the prostitute?
A. The one that's labeled "IDAHO"
Q. Why don't blind people skydive?
A. Because it scares the hell out of their dog.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment.
Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute.
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same but you get the remote.
Q: What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
A: Marriage.
Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the > kitchen to nag you, what have you done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.
Q: How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.
Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Q. What have men and floor tiles got in common?
A. If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.
Q. What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
A. One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
Q. Why do men want to marry virgins?
A. They can't stand criticism.
Q. What is a man's view of safe sex?
A. A padded headboard.
Q. How do men sort their laundry?
A. "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable"
Q. Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A. So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
Q. Do you know why women fake orgasm?
A. Because men fake foreplay.
Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
A. A mechanic!
Q. Why does the bride always wear white?
A. Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A. A battery has a positive side.
Q. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A. Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor-lock.
Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
Q. Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
A. Two mothers-in-law.
Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mom.
Q: How do you know you're leading a sad life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."
Q: What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus and a yeast infection?
A: An itchy, twitchy twat.
Q: Are birth control pills deductible?
A: Only if they don't work.
Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
A: Because they have cotton balls.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?
A: A cock that stays up all night.
Q: Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have?
A: Palm Sunday
Q: Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
A: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
A: Miracle Whip.
Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine
Q. How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A. Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A. Wiped his ass.
Q. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A. A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
Q. What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A. Spitting, swallowing and gargling
Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
A. You know she'll swallow.
Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.
Q. When is a pixie not a pixie?
A. When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin.'
Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a "quickie," only you do it yourself.
Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A. No one to talk to during orgasm.
Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
A. A golden retriever.
Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!
Q. How can you tell which is the head nurse?
A. The one with the dirty knees.
Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade:Who has the biggest tits?
A. The blonde, because she's 18.
Q. The three words most hated by men during sex?
A. "Are you In?" or "Is It In?"
Q. Three words women hate to hear when having sex
A. "Honey, I'm home!"
Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths?
A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
Q. Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint?
A. It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.
Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A. When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.
Q. How can you tell a macho woman?
A. She rolls her own tampons.
Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
A: Say, "Nice Dick."
Q: What did the gynecologist and the pizza delivery man have in common?
A: They both get to smell the goods but neither one of them can eat it.
Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A: The cake jumps out of the girl.
Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A: Full.
Q: What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your whole day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q: How is pubic hair like parsley?
A: You push it to the side before you start eating.
Q: What is blonde, has six legs, and roams Michael Jackson's dreams every night?
A: Hanson
Q: How do you circumcise a Redneck?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What's the difference between Courtney Love & Wayne Gretzky?
A: Wayne takes a shower after 3 periods.
Q: What's somewhat brown and often found in children's underpants?
A: Michael Jackson's hand.
Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
Q: What is the difference between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A: By the time you're finished with the breast and thighs, all that's left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.
Q: What's the difference between white fairy tales and black fairytales?
A: White fairy tales start, "Once upon a time...". Black fairy tales start, "Yo, you motherfuckers ain't gonna believe this shit..."
Q: Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Iraq?
A: They don't want to wear out the camel.
Q: What do you get if you cross a Hell's Angel with a Jehovah's Witness?
A: Someone who knocks on your door on a Sunday morning and tells YOU to fuck off!
Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
Q: Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
A: She knows she's given her last blow job.
Q: What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
A: Cough, gag, choke, etc.
Q: What did One gay sperm say to another?
A: How do we find an egg in all of this shit?
Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is bedtime?
A. When the big hand touches the little hand...
Q: How does every ethnic joke start?
A: By looking over your shoulder.
Q: What's a Japanese girl's favorite holiday?
A: Erection day.
Q: How can you tell if a valentine card is from a leper?
A: The tongue's still in the envelope.
Q: Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blowjob?
A: The blow job. You can beat your wife, your eggs, or your meat; but you just can't beat a blow job
Q: What's the best form of birth control after 50?
A: Nudity.
Q: How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A: A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's mine?"
Q: What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
A: Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
Q: Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
A: Mace will do that to you.
Q: Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
A: Everyone has the same DNA.
Q: What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A: A speech impediment.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: What's the difference between a Southern zoo, and a Northern zoo?
A: A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.
Q: What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A: Row row row your boat.
Q: What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A: A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairytale begins "'Y'all ain't gonna believe this ..."
Q: What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A: Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.
Q: Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A: So men can be open minded.
Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.
Q: What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A: The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Q: What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?
A: You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!
Q: Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A:"Is it in?"
Q: What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A: A red-headed bitch with a yeast infection.
Q: How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A:One of his fingers is clean.
Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q: What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A: They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.

1. The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
2. You let your twelve year old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People."
6. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
7. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, watch this!"
8. You've got more than one brother named Darryl.
9. You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
10. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
11. You think the last words of The Star Spangled Banner are: "Gentlemen, start your engines!"
12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
13. The bluebook value of your truck goes up or down according to how much gas it has in it.
14. You have to go outside to get something out of the "fridge."
15. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
16. You need one more hold punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
17. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
18. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
19. You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.
20. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
21. Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."
22. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then as these numbers began to light in reverse order. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your Mother."

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired Because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 237 Million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which Leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 Million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're Sitting at your computer reading jokes.

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was,of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point: Women never listen.

10. Nuts...my shaft is bent
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker
7. Look at the size of his putter
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't:
Hold up...I need to wash my balls first

10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge.
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good.
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law but isn't:
Think you can get me off?

10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag.
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
5. HMMMMMMMM....I think it's out of fluid.
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in the office but isn't:
1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there.

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a "YeeeeeHaaaa!" so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, "YeeeeeHaaaaa!" and rode off. "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant. "Nothing, I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off," replied the lady. "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback."

1. Do they have a 4th of July in England?
2. How many birthdays does an average person have?
3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?
4. A woman gives a beggar 50 cents; the woman is the beggar's sister, but the beggar is not the woman's brother. How come?
5. Why can't a man living in the USA be buried in Canada?
6. How many outs are there in an inning?
7. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister? Why?
8. Two men play five games of checkers. Each man wins the same number of games. There are no ties. Explain this.
9. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?
10. A man builds a house rectangular in shape. All sides have southern exposure. A big bear walks by; what color is the bear? Why?
11. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?
12. I have two US coins totaling 55 cents. One is not a nickel. What are the coins?
13. If you have only one match and you walked into a room where there was an oil burner, a kerosene lamp, and a wood burning stove, which one would you light first?
14. How far can a dog run into the woods?
15. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half hour. How long would the pills last?
16. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?
17. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?
18. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5' 10'' tall. What does he weigh?
19. How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen?
20. What was the President's name in 1950?
Scroll Down for the answers.....

"The Idiot Test Answers"
1. Yes, they just don't have it as a national holiday.
2. One, the day s/he is born.
3. All of them (12 months.)
4. The beggar is her sister.
5. He can't be buried if he isn't dead. Pay attention!
6. 6 outs, 3 outs per team.
7. No. A woman can't be a 'widow' if her husband isn't dead. If he's dead, he can't marry!
8. They aren't playing each other!
9. 70. Did get it? Do the math again. You'll get it.
10. White. In order to have all Southern exposure walls, the house must be at the North Pole, so it is a polar bear.
11. 2 apples. YOU took the two away, remember?
12. 50 cent piece and a nickel. (The 'other' one is a nickel.)
13. The match, of course.
14. Half way. Then he is running out of the woods.
15. 1 Hour; 1 pill now, 1 pill 30 min from now, and 1 pill one hour from now.
16. 9, as in "all but 9..." Were you paying attention?
17. None - Noah took them on the ark, not Moses. Missed your Bible studies?

18. Meat. The butcher weighs meat. Gotcha.
19. 12, of course. There are 12 of *anything* in a dozen.
20. Same as it is now: Bill Clinton.

"The Idiot Test" Scoring guide:
20 Correct - Genius
17 Correct - Above Normal
15 Correct - Normal
8 Correct - Nincompoop
6 Correct - Moron
3 Correct - Idiot

If there had been three wise women rather than wise men in Bethlehem, they would have forgotten about following a star and asked for directions, arrived ahead of time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned up the stable, and left a casserole by the fire

University: ______________________
To: Professor____________________
From:___________________________

I think my grade in your course,___________________, should be changed from ______ to _______ for the following reasons:

__3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won't get into:
______Medical School ______Graduate School
______Dental School ______My Fraternity/Sorority
______The Mickey Mouse Club ______Tri County Tech

__6. I'm on a varsity sports team and my tutor couldn't find a copy of your exam.

__7. I didn't come to class and the person whose notes I used did not cover the material asked for on the exam.

__9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams asked about general principles.

__10. You are prejudiced against:
____Males
____Jews
____Blacks
____Females
____Catholics
____Whites
____Protestants
____Moslems
____Minorities
____Chicanos
____People
____Students

__11. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or at least cut my allowance.

__12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the following illness:
____mono
____broken baby finger
____acute alcoholism
____pregnancy
____VD
____fatherhood

__13. You told us to be creative but you didn't tell us exactly how you wanted that done.

__16. The lectures were:
____too detailed to pick out important points
____not explained in sufficient detail
____too boring
____all jokes and not enough material
____all of the above

__17. This course was:
____too early, I was not awake.
____at lunchtime, I was hungry
____too late, I was tired

__18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on, threw up on) my (book, notes, paper) for this course.

An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences... I guess I am," replied the cowboy. After a short while he asked her what she was."I've never been on a ranch so I know I'm not a cowboy," said the young woman, "but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women. When I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women." A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

IN PRISON you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell
AT WORK you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle

IN PRISON you get three meals a day
AT WORK you only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it

IN PRISON you get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK you get rewarded for good behaviour with more work

IN PRISON a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON they allow your friends and family to visit.
AT WORK you cannot even speak to your family and friends

IN PRISON all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required
AT WORK you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars

IN PRISON there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK they are called managers.

A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice. The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains to the supervisor why. The supervisor is very puzzled and says, "but What's wrong with your co-worker telling you your hair smells nice." The woman replies, "He's a midget."

Michael Jordan made over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000 a minute, at an average of 30 minutes per game. With $40 million in endorsements, he made $178,100 a day, working or not. If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head. If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there. If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it. He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage. He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends. If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours. If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second. He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round. Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30a.m. on January 1st. If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year. He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics. He'll make about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon. While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600. This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all US past presidents for all of their terms combined. Amazing isn't it? However, if Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 250 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today. Game over. Nerd wins.

In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years. Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire." And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at ech other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, " You still have 15 minutes, would you like to continue?" The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?" Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on it's head."

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. The beech says to the birch: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands in the sapling. The birch says: "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

As the President is getting off the heliocopter in front of the White House, he has a baby pig under each arm. The Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes and says: "Nice pigs, sir." The President replies: These are not pigs, these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Hillary and I got one for Chelsea." The Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and replies, "Nice trade, sir."

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain an as it was still early, she decided to go the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.! She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to......."

A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.. He asks the first nun Sister Karen have you ever had any contact with a penis??? The nun giggles and replies, Well, once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger. St Peter says OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate. St Peter asks the next nun the same question Sister Elizabeth have you ever had any contact with a penis.. The nun is a little reluctant but reply's Well I once fondled and stroked one.. St Peter says, OK dip your hand in the holy water and pass through the gate... All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of nuns. One nun is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St Peter says Sister, Sister what seems to be the rush??? The nun reply's If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!!!!

Just saw a report on CNN, they have finally released the ingredients in Viagra.
2% aspirin, 2% ibupropin, 1% filler, and 95% "Fix a Flat"

A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree', sighed the pheasant, 'but I haven't got the energy'. 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. 'They're packed with nutrients'. The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on. Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree. The Moral of the Story: Bullshit might get you to the top,...but it won't keep you there!

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, first, giving the rooster a pep talk. "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle. Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the hen house and Randy took off like a shot. - WHAM! - Randy nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy is in there. Later, the farmer sees Randy after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Randy dead as a doorknob stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful - and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself." Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Go away, they're getting closer .."

By the time the sailor pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired Navy man assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Navy guy. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the sailor explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he asked. "This woman was found committing adultery and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded. "Wait," yelled Jesus, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky, and knocked the woman on the side of her head. "Aw, c'mon, Dad...," Jesus cried, "I'm trying to make a point here!"

A husband and his wife were sound asleep when suddenly the phone rang. The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello?... ... How the heck do I know? What do I look like, a weatherman?" He then slammed the phone down and settled into bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "I don't know. It was some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. "Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!" The room was very quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" asked the instructor. "Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?

There once was a young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest replied, "Confess your sins and be forgiven." "Last night, my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times." The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass, and then drink the juice. "Will this cleanse me of my sins, Father?" "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cathouse for some tail..... When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men. So she used "blowup" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business. After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking. The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned... how was it for you?" The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch." The first man asked, "How's that?" "Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast.....she farted and flew out the window!"

An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him. The boy's hair was yellow and green and orange and purple. He had black eye make up around his eyes. the old man just stared at him. the boy said "What's the matter old man? Haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?" The old man answered, "Well yes, actually, I have. I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out the back door, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, "Could I borrow your horse and send it back when I reach the town?" The missionary says, "Sure, but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop." Not paying much attention, the man says, "Sure, ok." So he gets on the horse and says, "Thank God," and the horse starts walking. Then he says, "Thank God, thank God," and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, "Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God," and the horse just takes off. Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop "Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!" Finally he remembers, "Amen!!" The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. The man leans back in the saddle and says, "Thank God!"

A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in two's for the day. That night one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight point buck. "Where's Henry?" "Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail." "You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back!?!" "A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is going to steal Henry

Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times...When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you bring me bad luck."

A blonde woman competed with a brunette woman and a redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead second. The blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms."

A yuppie opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. 'Officer, look what they've done to my Beeemer!', he whined. 'You yuppies are so materialistic, you make me sick!' , retorted the officer. 'You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!' 'Oh my gaaawd...,' replied the yuppie, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, 'Where's my Rolex?!'

Top ten things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day:
10.Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9.Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8.See if they could finally do the splits.
7.See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6.Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5.Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes... BEFORE closing time.
4.Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3.Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2.Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too... And, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina:
1.Finally find that damned G-spot.

Top 10 things women would do if they woke up with a penis for a day:
10.Get ahead faster in corporate America.
9.Get a blowjob.
8.Find out what is so fascinating about "roughing up the suspect".
7.Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6.Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5.Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4.Touch/shift yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
3.Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2.Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement. And, the NUMBER ONE thing women would do if they woke up with a penis...
1.Repeat number 9.

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys,...all on different limbs,... at different levels,...some climbing up. The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes!

A Chinese couple had a black baby, do you know what they named him? Sum Ting Wong

After her husband's checkup, a woman was called into the doctor's office. The doctor told her, "Your husband has a serious disease. There are several things you'll have to do for him, or he will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant to him. Make him a nutritious lunch for work, and an especially nice meal for his dinner at night. Don't give him chores, or that will increase his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him either. Try to relax him in the evenings by wearing lingerie and giving him backrubs. Let him watch his favorite sports on TV. And most importantly, make love to him several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you do these things for the next 10 months to a year, I think he'll pull through." On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had told her. "You're going to die." she replied.

This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck," he says, "I really want a drink." When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?" The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink," The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really Satisfies," The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?" The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!" A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call your penis?" The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job 1." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?" Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is Secret. Now give me my beer." The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why secret?" The customer says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"

1. You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me.
2. That was fun! When will all of your friends be over to watch porno movies again?
3. The new girl in my office is a stripper. I invited her over for dinner on Friday.
4. While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover.
5. Bar food again?? Kick ass!!
6. I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class.
7. That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her.
8. I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends. Tell me more.
9. I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one...what a wonderful Valentine's day present!
10. Let's just leave the toilet seat up all the time; then you won't have to mess with it anymore.
11. It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers.
12. Honey come here! Watch me do a tequila shot off of Stephanie's bare butt!
13. I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again.
14. Damn! I love when my pillow smells like your cigars and scotch. You passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya big silly!
15. You are so much smarter than my father.
16. If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch Sportscenter.

A guy owns a horse stud farm and gets a call from a friend." I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse, I'm sending him over." The Midget arrives, and the owner asks he wants a male or female horse. "A female horth," the midget replies. So the owner shows him one. "Nith looking horth, can I see her mouth?" The owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nithe mouth. Can I see her eyesth?" So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes. "OK, what about the earsth?" Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows the ears. "OK, finally, I'd like to see her twat." With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse's twat, then pulls him out. Shaking his head, the midget says, "Perhapth I should rephrase. I'd like to see her run!"

An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!" The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!" The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins.

First of all, you're bald your entire life.
Second, you have a hole in your head.
Third, you live between two nuts.
Fourth, an asshole lives behind you.
Finally, when you get excited, you throw up and then you faint

Chinese - - Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? They named him Sum Ting Wong.

Italian - - What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment.

Post Man - - What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast? They're hiring.

Peurtiricans - - Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek? Because they're not going to work in the future, either

Old Ladys - - How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say f*ck? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

Alabama Man - - What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm? A pimp.

Southerners - - - What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

Southerners - - What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit...

Redneck Schools - - - Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

q "Waking up with the Wease" doesn't mean you have a respiratory infection.
q The thought of eating a "garbage plate" makes your mouth water.
q The only thing at the annual May Lilac Festival is snow.
q The worst four-letter word you could say is "Fuji"
q Soccer games have better attendance than baseball games.
q You can't swim at the beach.
q You thought you figured out that alternate-parking thing, but wind up with a ticket anyway.
q Toronto is about 70 miles away but it takes about four hours to get there.
q Half the people bring their dogs to festivals and the other half complain about it.
q The name "Greater Rochester International Airport" is bigger than the airport itself.
q There's an 800 number to report a pothole in the road.
q City planners begin yet another feasibility study, in lieu of actually doing anything.
q You know "Can of Worms" is not something you take fishing.
q Your baby's first word is "Wegmans".
q You ask lifetime residents where the George Eastman House is, but they don't know either.
q In a city where it snows at least 90 inches a year, they build a new sports stadium with no roof on it.
q Buildings with statues of guys with wings on the tops of them is not unusual to you.
q It can be 70 degrees one day, below freezing the next, and you think nothing of it.
q Your mother is buying outfits to wear to Wegmans.
q You try to go out to dinner at 8:30 and every one's already closed.
q You hear that there's a "dome arena", but you're really disappointed once you see it.
q They build a new store right in front of a vacant one of the same size.
q Your low fat diet is never low enough to exclude an Abbott's custard.
q You order a white hot and a pop, and the counterman knows what you are talking about.
q You can travel from Egypt to Greece in about a half hour by car.
q D&C is a newspaper, not a medical procedure.
q You find a metered parking spot downtown at the height of the Christmas shopping season.

q You can watch LPGA commercials in December.
q There is no "dog" in "hot dog".
q There are no hamburgers, only ground steak
q There is meat in hot sauce.
q You can accurately judge people as to their social status by determining which Wegmans store they shop at.
q You can go to any mall on Saturday and see at least 5 people you either work with, went to school with or dated.
q The new line of spring fashions to hit the stores is actually comprised of leftovers from the 1991 line in NYC.
q A musical comes to town 10 years after its Broadway premiere and the entire town goes nuts! (ex. Miss Saigon)
q You wake up from a deep sleep, look at the clock and see that it's 6:00 but you have no idea whether it's am or PM.
q When 18+ inches of snow falls overnight, but you never thought of NOT going to work.
q There is no such thing as a snow day.
q A snow storm advisory means you must go shop at Wegmans!
q You are perplexed when friends from other cities come to visit and want to "see the sights."
q A flagpole strung with white lights seems like an acceptable alternative to a municipal Christmas tree.
q You can compare Nick Tahoe's garbage plate to at least 3 other knock-offs in competing Restaurants.
q There is a different "festival" to go to every single weekend from May to September, but absolutely nothing happening the remainder of the year.
q You take out-of-town friends or colleagues to the airport during "rushhour" and they can't get over the fact that you don't hit a single red light or come to a complete stop the entire way.
q You have to make a "road trip" to see any kind of Division I intercollegiate competition.
q Any new construction project downtown that comprises over ten stories is worthy of a detailed front-page account in the newspaper.
q The temperature hits 45 degrees and the sun comes out in any month between November and April, people walk around downtown wearing shades and no jackets.
q The feature stories in the newspaper look suspiciously like the articles you read in the New York Times while on a business trip last week.
q You and the cat are peacefully napping in front of the TV set, with the volume at a comfortable level, and a Gabriele Ford commercial comes on at twice the decibel level, causing you to bolt upright and the cat to leave gouge marks in your lap.
q There are places at the poles that seem to get more sunlight during the winter months than we do.
q Wegmans is a somewhere to go on a Friday night, for entertainment.
q We know who Vinnie and Angelo are.
q You define summer as three months of bad sledding.
q You think that people from Pennsylvania have an accent.
q You believe that "down south" means Maryland.
q You bake with soda and drink pop.
q You define candy on a stick as a sucker and a hapless, hopeless individual as a moron.
q Halloween is snowed out with great regularity.
q You have experienced frostbite and sunburn in the same week.
q You know that Buffalo not only exists, but that it isn't far from Hell.
q Your year has two seasons: Winter and Construction.
q Half the change in your pocket is Canadian, eh.
q Half the television channels you get are Canadian, eh.
q You've talked about leaving this dump for 10 years and you're still here, because despite all there is to poke fun at, Rochester isn't a bad place to live.

A man was leaving a 7-11 with his morning coffee and newspaper when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pitbull on a leash. Behind him were at least 200 men walking single file. The guy couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said "Sir, I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" The man replied "Well, that first hearse is for my wife." "What happened to her?" The man replied "My dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. "Sir, could I borrow that dog?" "Get in line."

-Friends don't let friends take home ugly men
* Women's restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE
-The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
* Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL
-Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
* Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL
-Beauty is only a light switch away.
* Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina.
-I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
* Houghton Library, Harvard University, Cambridge, Mass.
-If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
* Armand's Pizza. Washington, DC
-Remember, it's not, How high are you? it's Hi, how are you?
* Rest stop off Route 81. West Virginia.
-God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
* The Irish Times. Washington, DC
-Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
* The Bayou, Baton Rouge, Louisiana.
-No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
* Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.
-To do is to be. -Descartes To be is to do. -Voltaire Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra
* Men's restroom, Greasewood Flats. Scottsdale, Arizona.
-At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
* Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona.
-It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
* Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.
-Make love, not war, Hell, do both, get married!
* Women's restroom, The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana.
-God is dead. -Nietzsche Nietzsche is dead. -God
* The Tombs Restaurant, Washington, DC
-If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
* Revolution Books. New York, New York.
-A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
* Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.
-JESUS SAVES! But wouldn't it be better if he had invested?
* Men's restroom, American University. Washington, DC
-If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?
* Men's restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.
-Express Lane: Five beers or less
* Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's. Phoenix, AZ.
-You're too good for him.
* Sign over mirror in Women's restroom, Ed Debevic's. Beverly Hills, CA
-No wonder you always go home alone.
* Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's. Beverly Hills, CA

-Nike Condoms: Just do it.
-Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
-Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
-Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
-Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
-Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
-Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman.
-Macintosh Condom: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
-Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
-Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
-Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
-New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey - you never know.
-California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
-Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
-KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
-Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.
-Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
-Campbell's Soup Condoms: Mmm, mmm, good.
-General Electric Condoms: We bring good things to life!
-AT&T Condoms: Reach out and touch someone.
-Bounty Condoms: The quicker picker upper.
-Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today ?
-Energizer Condoms: It keeps going and going and going....
-M&M condom: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!
-Taco Bell Condoms: Get some; make a run for the border.
-MCI Condoms: For friends and family
-Doublemint Condoms: Double your pleasure, double your fun!
-The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter.
-Delta Airlines Condoms travel pack: Delta is ready when you are.
-United Airlines Condoms travel pack: Fly United.
-The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before.

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. Upon his arrival at the farm, the young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says, "Ok old fellow, time to retire." The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens... look at what it did to me!" The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Its time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike." The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon... just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you." The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're all washed up! I'm taking over!" So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race with you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop. And if I'm so feeble, why not give me a little head start?" The young rooster says, "Sure, why not, you know I'll still beat you." They line up in the back of the farmhouse, get a chicken to cluck "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, see's what's going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM! he blows the young rooster to KFC heaven. He sadly shakes his head and says, "Son of a bitch...third gay rooster I bought this week!"

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex." "Good morning pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque."Pastor McGhee, what is this?" Alex asked. "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which one, the 9:00 or the 10:30 service?

A rich man on his death bed called his doctor, his minister, and his lawyer to meet with him. When they all arrived, the dying man said, "I know I'm going to die soon, and all my life people have lectured me that one day I would die, and I couldn't take my money with me! Well, I am going to prove them wrong! I'm giving each of you one million dollars in cash. Just before I'm buried, I want each of you to slip the million dollars into my coffin." Sure enough, the man died the next day. After the services the doctor, minister, and the lawyer sat down together. The minister started the conversation saying, "I must confess I was taken by greed and only put three quarters of his money in the coffin." Then the doctor confessed, "I understand, Reverend, I too was overcome with greed and I only put five hundred thousand in the coffin." Whereupon the lawyer responded, "I'm ashamed at both of you. How could you have not respected the last wishes of a dying man?" Both the minister and the doctor looked at him in awe until the lawyer finished with, "I put a check for the full amount in his coffin

This from a radio program, a true report of a happening in Michigan: A guy buys a brand new Jeep Grand Cherokee for $30,000 and has $400+ monthly payments. He and a friend go duck hunting and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two guys go to the lake with the guns, the dog, the beer and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill. So, out of the back of the new Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse. Now these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that if they place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Grand Cherokee), because they don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. They decide to light this 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite. (Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the beer, the guns and the dog?)

Yes, the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for retrieving. Especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice. The two men yell, scream, wave arms and wonder what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 duck shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinking these two Nobel Prize winners have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, (with the now really short fuse burning on the stick of dynamite).... under the brand new Cherokee. ----BOOM!---- Dog and Cherokee are blown to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces. The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered. He still had yet to make the first of those $400+ a month payments! ................And you thought your day was not going well!!!

A man and his young son are in the drugstore when the son sees the shelf of condoms and asks his father what they are. The dad replies, "Well son, those are condoms and they're for protection when you're having sex." The son then picks up one of the packs and asks why it has three in it. The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." The son then picks up one with six condoms asks, "Why six?" The dad replies, "Well son, those are for college men. Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday." The son then notices the 12 pack of condoms and asks the same question. The dad replies, "Son, those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...."

We have taller buildings, but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints; we spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy it less. We have bigger houses and smaller families; more conveniences, but less time; we have more degrees, but less sense; more knowledge, but less judgment; more experts, but more problems; more medicine, but less wellness. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life; We've added years to life, not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor. We've conquered outer space, but not inner space; We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul; We've split the atom, but not our prejudice; We have higher incomes, but lower morals; We've become long on quantity, but short on quality. These are the times of tall men, and short character; steep profits, and shallow relationships. These are the times of world peace, but domestic warfare; more leisure, but less fun; more kinds of food, but less nutrition. These are days of two incomes, but more divorce; of fancier houses, but broken homes. It is a time when there is much in the show window and nothing in the stockroom; a time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to make a difference, or to just hit delete...

Girl and boy are having a relationship of about four months now. One Friday night they meet at a bar after work. They stay for a few, then went to get some food at a local restaurant near their respective homes. They eat, then go back to his house and she stays over.
Her story: He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. So we went to this restaurant and he's STILL acting a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up but start to wonder whether it's me or something else. I ask him, and he says no. But you know I'm not really sure. So anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him, but he just puts his arm around me. I don't know what the hell this means because you know he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally get back to his place and I'm wondering if he's going to dump me! So I try to ask him about it, and he just switches on the TV. Reluctantly, I say I'm going to go to sleep. Then, after about 10 minutes, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave. I dunno, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else ???
His story: Shitty day at work, low on funds, and tired. Got laid though.

A woman gets home, throws open the door and jubilantly shouts,"Honey, pack your bags! I won the lottery!" The husband says, "I can't believe it! That's great! Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?" She says, "I don't care. Just get the fuck out."

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and **very** satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!" "I can't remember, exactly ...Peter Peter, something or other...."

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